The Holiday Cubicle

Theo-Ecology

Food is man's best friend. Actually man's best friend is his tummy. And his tummy's best friend is food. What happens when you seperate the two? What happens when one best friend can't digest the other with hydrochloric acid? Simple. You work more efficiently.

A couple of weeks back some thin guy at work had some issues with food being brought to our cubicles. Fair enough. He wants us to work. Which some of us don't. Ok. Which most of us don't. But when he disclosed the real reason behind this scheming plan, I was flabbergasted. In fact a lot of people were. But they did not know what flabbergasted meant. So they continued working. Actually they continued doing what most people do. Pretending to work.

Now why would I get stupefied. The reasons are plenty:

This man wanted us to carry only cookies into the work arena. No chips or Kurkure. Because he had a chronic problem with rats. He was of the opinion that rats preferred fried stuff to baked stuff. I wouldn't blame the rats if they did. There's lower fat in baked stuff than in fried stuff.
Sometimes I wonder why God invented rats. Did He do it because he wanted them to lose weight?
No. I have the answer. He wanted us to lose weight. Not only that. A lot more things. Well.... Confused? It works this way.

1. With only baked foodstuff, the rats remain healthier and so do we.
2. With baked foodstuff, there are lesser number of packets of Lays at work and more number of cookies wrappers which would mean that you will have lesser oil on your hands which would further mean that you wouldn't have to use the company loo that often to wash your hands thereby saving water and a substantial portion of the company's expenditure.
3. The crunching and the munching of Potato Wafers contribute more to the sound pollution inside the work arena. The crunching and the munching of cookies are lower than that of potato wafers by a factor of twenty decibels.
4. There would be lesser variety for the rats and hence they would be tempted to eat network chords and concrete to spice up their cuisine meaning the chords might have to be changed. This would further imply that some people at work will actually have to work. Damn!

I call this process God's Ecology or Theo-ecology. Man! That guy upstairs has everything worked out!

Labels: Theo-Ecology

posted by abhishek @ 9:45 AM 2 comments

The Pee-ceful Nature of Work

7 ways for a project leader to prevent himself from pissing in his pants when talking to his project manager:

1. Pee regularly through out the day... probably like 25,764 times a day coz a project manager can instill a lot of fear into your urinary bladder.
2. Wear custom made sanitary pads. I heard from somewhere that these days they are manufacturing it specially for all IT companies.
3. Attach a .25 inch diameter, 40 feet, foldable, bendable, malleable pipe to the relevant organ in discussion. The other end of the pipe can be attached to either the closet in the loo or to a mineral water vendor, if any secondary income is required
4. Do not, at any cost, drink any liquids. I repeat Do not drink any liquids
5. Try to make your project manager pee in his pants too. But its less likely to happen. So carry a glass full of your piss( it looks like beer... so nobody will know) and dab it on to your project manager's pants when he's not looking
6. Take up an onsite oppotunity in Mogadishu.The climate is so hot that you need not pee at all. Heard that IT companies are looking for specially talented rebel forces from Somalia for battling the demanding deadlines in the industry.
7. Hope that man evolves to a state in which it becomes geometrically possible to drink one's own pee. For further instructions please contact Mr. Marylin Manson

posted by abhishek @ 11:12 AM 0 comments